A Boy, A Girl, and a Couple of Kilts
by ladyeire3
Summary: College junior Edward readily accepts a sure offer from his parents. He gets a job...they pay for grad school. Enter a Scottish style pizza shoppe, our favorite cast of rascally characters, and laughs are sure to follow. Drabble fic AU/AH
1. Chapter 1

**Cross Roads...**

There comes a time in everyone's life that they stand back and look at where they've been and where they're headed. A cross roads. Well, I stood at mine and veered left when I should have gone right…I think.

My parents, ever the practical couple offered to pay for my grad school of choice, with one stipulation. I remember shrugging nonchalantly as I did a little victory dance in my head. How bad could it be?

"We want you to learn responsibility"… "Getting a job and earning your way is good for the soul"… "Do this and we'll pay for any graduate program in any state", they said.

And being the ever-ambitious idiot I nodded and smiled.

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><p><strong>About a week ago I was kicking around in The Patch with my lovely BoH00rs when Miss Abegail mentioned the lack of Kiltwards in the fandom. (It might have been spurred on by my addition of a few pretty pictures of men in kilts a while ago) Anyway, we started talking and the Kiltward discussion lead to bornonhalloween mentioning that she's never seen a Pizzadeliveryward. Not one to miss the opportunity to take a chance I offered my services to write such a "Ward" and added another challenge to myself...making it a drabble. <strong>

**Now, we all know that BoH is a queen of the drabble so you can imagine how nervous I am to be starting my own knowing she'll be reading;) I hope you all like what I've come up with. It will update daily and don't expect any angst, drama, or suspense. This is just a bit of fluffy, snarky fun!**

**x**

**LadyV**


	2. Chapter 2

**Due to the sweet, sweet words of my fellow BoH00rs in the patch, I'm sending out chapter 2 but this WON'T be the norm. I will normally be updating once a day;)**

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><p><strong>Does Not Compute…<strong>

What was I thinking?

I'm looking down at my new uniform. It's a skirt. Well, technically it's a kilt; a kilt the color of my grandfather's old army uniform. There's also a black shirt that fits like a second skin, and the heaviest looking black boots I have ever contemplated attaching to my feet.

The upside? I have a job. Braw Baffies Scottish Style Pizzaria. Does not compute…but it's a job.

Scratching my head for the millionth time I walk around in it again. It's a fucking skirt. No two ways about it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Fried Pizza…**

First day on the job, my boss Alice taught me how they made the regular pies. Nothing special…meat, cheese, sauce…not in that order.

Second day I learned the art of the Scottish Style slice. It's a heart attack on a plate. They dip that shit in a thick batter and then fry it. It's like twice-baked pizza with a side of extra grease.

She made me try it, too. Bet me I'd like it. I thought it was an easy five bucks. That shit looked terrible.

It wasn't. Terrible, that is. It was damn good, actually. My arteries hated me but my taste buds sat up and did a jig.

Alice is a culinary genius in my book.

And I'll never bet against the woman again.

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><p><strong>Just a little background...Braw Baffies means Good Slippers. It's Alice, need I say more? :)<strong>

**x **

**LadyV**


	4. Chapter 4

Kick Ass Tips…

"All right, Edward." Alice rubs her hands together and adopts that face she gets when she's about to mess with her business partner, Emmett.

She's an interesting woman. Kind, mild tempered, but with a wicked sense of humor and a knack for practical jokes that rivals Ashton Kutcher.

And she swears like a sailor.

"You've been here a week and made enough pies to know how to do it in your sleep. Tonight," she lays a hand on my shoulder and squeezes firmly, "you're making deliveries." Her smile grows and my head nods.

This is what I was hired for.

The tips better be kick ass.

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><p><strong>Happy Sunday, everyone!<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**First Deliveries…**

Wiping my sweaty hands down my "kilt", I mentally prepare for my first delivery and pray to whatever god is listening that it's not some old, crazy dude with a fetish for guys in skirts.

Sorry, "kilts".

Shit.

My pep talk consists of several very colorful terms for a coward and how I shouldn't be one. It's not really working but then why would it? Just because my ambition in life is to counsel those who are troubled doesn't mean I can't be shit at psyching myself up, right?

Right.

Another quick prayer mixed with a few choice colorful words and I'm out of the car and up the steps.

I ring the doorbell with a twitchy finger.

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><p><strong>Happy Monday all! I might not leave you all here for the day...it just doesn't seem right to keep you hanging:<strong>)

**xo~V**


	6. Chapter 6

**And So It Begins…**

With my best smile plastered on my face I greet them the way Garrett taught me, and yes, it included a lesson in how to say the words with a Scottish inflection. He's nothing if not thorough.

He's also the biggest, gayest, Scottish dude I've ever met. Actually, he's the only Scottish dude I've ever met. And he's really damn funny.

"Guid eenin! Braw Baffies delivery."

"Right." The woman looks me up and down and licks her lips in a way that I think is meant to be seductive. It isn't. I have to bite the inside of my cheek to stifle a groan and the effort to keep from rolling my eyes is almost painful. "How much is it again?"

She bats her lashes and runs a finger down my arm. The war to control my body's impulse to shudder in revulsion is just barely won.

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><p><strong>Better?<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**The Trouble with Skirts…**

Honestly, she was probably hot…once. Bleach blonde hair that looks like it would break off if a light breeze came up, more make up on than a circus of clowns, and a skirt so short my nine year-old cousin wouldn't be allowed to wear it. But under all that is a body that dudes once flocked to… A while ago… A long, long while ago.

"Thirty two, sixty seven, ma'am." I smile and take the money, clenching my teeth when she squeezes my hand and winks.

"There's an extra five in there for you, handsome. And it's Jess. Ma'am makes me feel so old." She licks her lips again and smiles. I might puke in my mouth a little.

Practically tossing the pizza at her I smile tightly and run for my car. I might never get used to the feel of the wind on my ass under this damn skirt.

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><p><strong>For you BoH00rs out there that are a little weepy from the end of SS and the brilliance that is bornonhalloween, I give you a little giggle-snort for the morning commute:) <strong>

**All my love and enjoy!**

**LadyV**


	8. Chapter 8

**Great Numpties…**

Back in the safety of my car I'm thankful for the lack of a draft as I move around to try to adjust myself discreetly without shoving my damn hand up my ski…kilt.

My mental mistake takes me back to the day I learned the difference between the two articles of clothing. It was an enlightening day in the shop and Garrett was particularly cheery. He'd gotten laid. Several times. The smile on his face looked like it was tattooed in place.

I digress.

I was bitching about my uniform, as per the usual. Making the same mistake I'd made every day since I began working at Braw Baffies I called my kilt a skirt and Garrett, chipper fucking smile in place, whacked me upside the head.

"_Listen here, ye great numpty, that delicious article on ye right noo is a…" The big, happy, smiling dickhead lifts my ski…FUCK…KILT and makes a clucking sound with his tongue. "Och, ye're right. It's a fecking skirt, lad." He shakes his head sadly and for the first time all day I notice that his smiles falls a bit. _

_Looking over I see Alice shaking her head and giving me her signature "Make this right, asshole" look. I wasn't aware I'd made anything wrong._

_Wait, why'd he lift my damn ski…shitdamnfuck….KILT?_

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><p><strong>This is a last minute addition. After all the wonderful reviews asking *cough* begging *cough* to know that Kiltward did indeed understand the difference between a skirt and a kilt I decided to write a FLASHBACK! I might even post the rest of it today for your reading pleasure;)<strong>

**xoxo**

**LadyV**


	9. Chapter 9

**Kilt versus Skirt…**

"_A skirt?" My words are unbelieving and on the verge of being annoyed. How many times have they told me this shit was a kilt?_

"_Och, aye. Fer it to be a kilt there are rules, lad." Garrett scratches his neck with his massive paw and sighs heavily. "But I'm nae so sure I should share the secret with ye. I mean, ye've been mighty high handed with the skirt references a'ready."_

"_For the love of…." I grunt and try to reign in my anger a bit. But really? There are rules that make the drafty shit I have on a kilt versus a skirt? "Please, Garrett? Alice'll have my balls if I'm not authentic, right?"_

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><p><em><em>**Should I be really sweet and finish up this little flashback for you all today? I'm kinda liking the evil thought of making you wait for it;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**The Secret of the Kilt…**

_He seems to mull over my predicament. When he looks at me again his eyes are shining and that damn smile is back…in force. He starts walking toward his office and turns when he realizes I'm not following._

"_Are ye comin' with me, lad or just waitin' for the secrets to come to ye outta thin air?" _

_Given my colorful cue to move my ass I follow him and throw myself into the chair close to his desk. Garrett reaches forward and turns a decorative frame toward me that have a light plaid background on it and boldly printed words._

_It's a kilt. If I wore something under it THEN it'd be a skirt._

"_No shit?" My mouth is hanging open as I wait for Garrett's response and when it comes it's a bit of a let down._

"_No shite, mate. Now, drop the drawers and let yer boaby breathe." He sits back in his chair with a wide smile and a decidedly different twinkle in his eye._

_I shudder._

_If free balling it will allow me to feel more manly about this kilt thing then I guess it's the only way to go._

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><p><strong>Last one for the day, dearies. Hoping you all enjoyed the flash back as much as I did:)<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Win/Win…**

Two weeks down and I'm starting to get the hang of delivering pizza. The kilt doesn't bother me as much either, though the increasingly frigid air isn't something I'll ever get used to. I'm not so sure my initial thoughts about feeling more manly without my junk tucked into some snug boxer briefs is accurate but at least now I really CAN'T call it a skirt.

The only hiccup was a delivery to a frat house full of douchenozzles with big mouths and way too much beer.

Drunk dudes have shit for coordination.

Tips are better than average and Alice and company pay well at Braw Baffies. Hell, even the 'rents are pleased that I'm holding my own and still able to keep up with my studies.

So far it's win/win from all sides.

My arm doesn't even ache from the effort to pat my own back this time.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hottie in the Kilt…**

My Gramps used to tell me to stop putting the cart before the horse, or the horse before the cart, or… Shit, he was trying to tell me not to get ahead of myself.

Why didn't I listen to him?

My win/win has turned into a nightmare.

The blonde from my first night was ordering pizza every night I was working, and getting more adventurous with her wandering hands.

"Hey Alice?"

"S'up, McKiltster?" Her smug smile makes me want to scream but I figure I've lost enough man points with the…kilt.

"If Mrs. Newton calls up and requests the "Hottie in the kilt" can you tell her I've moved to outer Mongolia or some shit?" My voice rides the line of nonchalant and whiney. If Alice's look is anything to go by, I'd say I'm leaning toward whiney.

Alice laughs at me and smacks me upside the head before adding, "You're a fucking gold mine, kid."

Thanks, Alice.

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><p><strong>Sooooo, I LOVE ALICE! Seriously. She's so much fun to mess with. *Sigh* Thanks for reading and reviewing dears!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	13. Chapter 13

**Go With It…**

Another month passes and we're at the winter break. I'm going home for a few days but Alice insists this year is going to be busy.

I don't ask how she knows. I just go with it.

Mom and Dad are happy to give me this time to "be responsible" and "prove my worth". Their words seem ludicrous. I'm a skirt wearing, pizza delivery boy who drives my dad's ten year old Volvo and studies until I can't see straight.

Color me proud.

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><p><strong>It's a short one, and not the funniest but there are always going to be those! Tomorrow's is better:) <strong>

**Have a wonderful Saturday, ladies!**

**xoxo**

**V**


	14. Chapter 14

**Women Over 30…**

I don't think my ability to be responsible is particularly important to Alice and Emmett. I think they're more concerned with the fact that I can imitate a decent Scottish accent.

And I look damn good in the uniform.

And their sales have doubled since I started delivering for them.

Garrett is doing some cross-referencing to see who our target market is.

Alice has a pool going and "women over 30" is in the lead.

Go figure.

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><p><strong>Would you all like a double dose today?<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**Bella Swan…**

I'm standing in the office talking to an excited Garrett when I see her.

She's laughing. Well, she's snorting, really. It's the last sound you'd expect to come out of the mouth of a seriously hot chick.

"Seriously, Edward!" Garrett's heavy Scottish accent hangs in the air and I snap my head back in his direction.

"Wha'?"

"Would it hurt ye to pay me a wee bit o' mind afore I kick yer bahookie straight oot the…" His eyes are fixed on something over my shoulder and he smiles wide. "Aye, now I see what's got ye off yer heid. She's the new server." He jerks his chin in the direction he's looking and my head turns to look again too. "Bella Swan."

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><p><strong>Sooooooo, for all you wondering how I was going to bring her in...there you have it! And you got a little Garrett. I flove Garrett. Hard.<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	16. Chapter 16

**It's a Kilt, Not a Tent…**

I whisper her name to myself and turn back to Garrett when I hear him cackling.

"What the fuck, Garrett?"

His shoulders are shaking and he's half bent at the waist, still laughing like a loon and pointing to my groin. Shaking his head he turns to walk down the hall. I'm all too thankful when he disappears around the corner and out of earshot but the sound of him does do wonders to help deflate my growing boner.

His departure leaves a clear shot of Bella and Alice. Alice's bitch brow does not go unnoticed, as she's staring holes into my head…right between the eyes, until she's not.

Shit.

She's looking at the tent in my kilt, too.

Double shit.

One look at Bella Swan and I'm hard again. I shrug and try to look contrite but I don't think I'm convincing.

Fortunately for me, looks can't kill and I'm still ogling the new girl when she turns to look down the long hall as though she knows I'm staring. Our eyes meet and she goes from lily white to rose red in a matter of seconds. Her blush cues mine and I turn away first, aware that if she looks down she can see more than enough to make her blush visible from space.


	17. Chapter 17

**My Poor Boys…**

I'm getting ready to haul ass out of the back door for my first delivery when Alice pulls the back of my kilt. My hands fly to the pleats and I yank it away, because going commando has to be some sort of health code violation.

"Slow your roll, McFly."

I sigh and turn to look down at her, thankful that my issue below the belt has abated. I've mentioned she's small but mighty but in this moment she seems bigger than life. My boys start to shrivel under her gaze.

"I'm cool with dating at work, Edward, but I do have a warning." I cock my brow.

"And don't look at me like that. I saw you stalking Bella with your eyes." She rolls her own and I give up that argument. She's right…I was. "BUT, there are rules. First, no means no, big boy. Second, absolutely NO PDA in the store, ever. Last, if you cost us our new employee because you are any of the following…asshat, dickhead, buttmunch…then you can go scout for a replacement." She smiles smugly and puts her hands on her hips.

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><p><strong>Alice has one helluva bitch brow! Thanks to Kitkat681 (aka Kitkat Cullen) for the lovely visual over at the Patch on FB. YOU ROCK! <strong>

**Have a LOVELY Tuesday, ladies!**

**xoxo**

**V**


	18. Chapter 18

**Alice and Her Jollies…**

I clear my throat and open my mouth to reply when the whole reason for our discussion walks through the kitchen door and meets my eyes for just a moment before putting her head down, tucking her hair behind her ear, and scuttling off toward the salad station. I sigh and rub my forehead.

"Alice, I hadn't planned on making a move because I hardly have time to sleep, let alone date." I shrug with one shoulder and smirk. "But if I do I'll make sure I follow the rules."

She narrows her eyes again. I can see the wheels turning but with Alice you never know if they're productive wheels or the kind that work to make your life hell just because she gets her jollies from it.

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><p><strong>It's a short one today kids, but tomorrow should make up for it. Have a wonderful Hump Day and I'll catch you at the Patch or in your reviews!<strong>

**xoxo**

**LadyV**


	19. Chapter 19

**Alice in Action…**

"She thinks you're hot." Alice raises a brow and instead of heeding that warning sign, I step right into her trap.

I choke…on my tongue. My voice, when I'm able to use it is an octave higher than normal.

"She does?"

Alice cackles and shakes her head. I'm beginning to wonder if she and Garrett aren't actually related.

"No, you tool!" She wipes her eyes. "Well, she did mention you had nice legs and weird hair. That might be her way of saying she wants to let you in her pants." Her laughter has now attracted a kitchen full of people, including Bella.

Alice sobers and puts her hand on my shoulder. "I should warn you that she's Emmett's cousin. He'd beat your pasty ass down faster than you could say Braw Baffies. But good luck to you."

With that she walks off, leaving me gaping like a wide mouth bass. Just as I'm preparing to turn and save what dignity I have left I see Bella run to the bathroom. Her face is unnaturally red and I catch a mumbled curse as she passes.

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><p><strong>Just a few words...I've been asked when Freeballinward will FINALLY talk to Bella and all I can say is...have patience. this is a drabble, folks so things take time. The plus to this is that you get a bit everyday. YAY! I found the silver lining;)<strong>

**If you stick with me I promise to give you a full page lemon...when the time comes;)**

**xoxo**

**LadyV**


	20. Chapter 20

**Gods of Fairness…**

Pushing the back door open, I grab the pizza box with determined fingers. The cold winter air hits me in waves and I look at my legs with a sigh.

How do women wear this shit when it's so damn cold?

Needing a distraction from the train wreck I just left and my knees knocking together I grab for the ticket. Tripping over air as I read it I bang my hand on my car door, just barely resisting the urge to scream to the gods of fairness.

Fuck my life, it's Mrs. I-was-once-a-hottie's house.

This night could not get worse.

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><p><strong>HOLY CROW! It finally worked. It's not much but here it is. Our poor boy is having a banner night it seems:)<strong>

**xoxo**

**LadyV**


	21. Chapter 21

**FML…**

My night progresses in a series of gropes, grumbles, and glaring unfairness.

Mrs. Newton drags her fake finger nailed hand down my leather coat covered chest…Is that Cheetos dust on her finger? She attempts to purr, which sounds more like a cross between a growl and a dying duck, before asking me what I wear under my kilt.

While I'm focused on the sheer balls it took to ask her question and whether or not she's left a trail of orange shit on my new coat, she sneaks her hand up the back of my kilt to grab a handful of my ass.

WHAT THE FUCK!

I push her pizza into her hands and walk off without giving her change. My hands clench into fists and I pull out my antibacterial wipes as soon as I reach my car, scrubbing my ass cheek furiously. It comes back orange.

I'm having words with Alice.

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><p><strong>All orange tinted things are dedicated to the wonderful KitKat:) <strong>

**xoxo**

**LadyV**


	22. Chapter 22

**The Snort…**

"Dude, the cougar on Atchison asked me what I wore under my kilt tonight. She grabbed my ass…under the kilt!" I shudder, repressing the urge to throw up and sit back in the chair on the opposite side of Garrett's desk to stretch my legs in front of me. Garrett looks up at me with his wide smile.

"Och, ye're lucky I was able to talk wee Alice outta ha'en ye wear a sporran. Draws the eye right to yer boaby." His wink, something I'm accustomed to now is followed by his eyes traveling down to said "boaby". My eyes follow his and when I look up he's laughing and shaking his head.

It is then that I realize we're not alone.

I'd know that snort anywhere.

I turn in my chair and see Bella standing in the doorway with her arms across her…boobs. As I'm staring at the perfection that is Bella's rack I see annoying fingers enter my line of vision as she snaps at me.

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><p><strong>Happy Sunday, Ladies! xoxo LadyV<strong>


	23. Chapter 23

**Boy Wonder & His Wandering Eyes…**

"Up here, Boy Wonder. "

When I look up, Bella's not looking all that pissed off and I notice her stand straighter, thrusting her boobs even closer, which in turn brings my focus back to her rack. She sighs heavily.

"Alice wants you to take me on deliveries tonight."

That gets my attention. A whole night with the girl starring in all my, er….yeah.

Anyway…HELL YEAH!

Collecting myself quickly I reply as nonchalantly as possible.

"Cool. I'll be ready to head out in five."

Her nod and departure allow me just enough time to grab a book from Garrett's desk to cover a problem I'm going to have all damn night. Maybe I should make a stop at home for my boxers. Skirt or no skirt, the monster that is currently unleashed under my damn kilt is going to make for some embarrassing shit if I don't corral him.

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><p><strong>Soooooo sorry for having to flake yesterday. It was a sucky, busy day...blech. I missed the Patch &amp; all the BoH00rs. I hope this helps and remember that after tomorrow these will likely come later in the day! xoxo LadyV<strong>


	24. Chapter 24

**Stiff Wind…**

"Hey, do you mind if we stop by my place real quick? I need to…put some solution in my eyes. Contacts are bugging me." I rub my eyes for effect.

"Sure. Are we delivering the pizza first?"

I'm just about ready to nod as we walk outside when a stiff wind catches the material of my uniform and sends it flying up in all directions. My hands bat it down as quickly as they can but the damage is done when I hear Bella suck in a very loud breath. She had the foresight to hold her own kilt down. Damn it.

"Fuck." Her voice is breathy and that one word has a profound effect on my dick, which now seems impervious to the freezing temperatures.

My eyes snap up to see hers transfixed on the front of my kilt that's now covering my newly hard dick. Too bad I can't bat that down too.

"Well, that answers that question." She smiles coyly and turns to walk to the car, throwing a look over her shoulder. "You know, you don't have to cover that up for my sake."

She winks.

My dick twitches.

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><p><strong>Aaaaaaaaand, there you have it. This is dedicated to all the BoH00rs. Now, you might ask how Bella can be blushing one second and all sexy the next...she doesn't like audiences;) I hope you all enjoy this AND the updates from Born and Robsmyyummy Cabanaboy. AWESOME stories! xoxo Lady V<strong>


	25. Chapter 25

**Captain Smooooooooth…**

It takes me a couple of minutes to recover from that little bombshell. Isn't this the girl that was just blushing nine different shades of red?

I walk to the car with slow, measured steps, trying to work through the puzzle that is Bella Swan. She's still smirking and leaning against the car door.

"So, did you really need to get solution or was there another reason we were stopping at your place?"

Being the gentleman I am, I open her car door just as she asks her question. One hand on the door handle and the other on the door, I bow my head.

_Get your shit together, Cullen. You're way smoother than this!_

After a cleansing breath I raise my head and smirk.

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

She sits with a huff and I chuckle.

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><p><strong>There were some very funny reviews from yesterdays update. It seems the chapter title was a hit all around:) I do so like to flex my brain thing for that sort of challenge. Now I'm going to have to come up with another that's even more brilliant...lol. Have a great Thursday. We're expecting a ton of snow here in Denver! YAY: xoxo Lady**


	26. Chapter 26

**Stunning Contradictions…**

Our first delivery is to a nice older couple with two teenage sons. Nice family.

Until the oldest son answers the door that Bella is standing in front of and he leers at her. He can't be more than fifteen but he's eyeing her like he's some kind of Lothario with a harem of skanks and looking for a new addition.

I don't think so, asshat.

Bella surprises me again and before I can step around her to cut the kid off she smiles wide and blinks innocently.

"If you stare any harder I'm gonna put your nuts in the vice I have in my car for just that purpose." She holds her hand out for the money and pushes the pizzas into his chest. "Guid cheerio the nou!"

Stunned, I follow her to the car and stare at her once we're sitting back down. "What the hell was that?" There is no stopping the smile that spreads across my face.

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><p><strong>It seems Miss Bella is a hit with the ladies. I'm so glad that's the case. I find a blushing Bella quite entertaining but she should be able to hold her own when the situation calls for it;) Love to you all and know that I'm all curled up with my laptop on my lap as it snows hairy orange balls outside:) That last bit was an ode to Kitkat:) I promise to review in a more timely manner today;) xoxo LadyV<strong>


	27. Chapter 27

**Cute…**

She turns in her seat, her tilted head sporting a half smile.

"I told him to have a good night." The batting of her lashes has me harder than a titanium rod.

"Yeah, that's not what I was talking about." I look down to put my key in the ignition, something I've been trying to do without looking since I sat my cold ass down on the frigid leather seat. I get the car started and crank the heat. "I meant the stuff before. I had you pegged for the shy, silent type."

She nods knowingly and looks at her hands in her lap. "Most people do. Did you know that people who bruise easily often blush easily too?" Her laugh fills my car and I smile back but shake my head. I'm not connecting the dots of her statement but she's too damn cute right now to try. I just want to keep looking at her.

Shit, I need to stop watching Lifetime with my mom.

"They do, or that's what my mom used to tell me. Anyway, my dad's a cop in my hometown. I've known how to handle dicks like that since I was 'knee high to a grasshopper'."

When she tries to affect a cute…there's that word again, I'm a dude but the girl is fucking cute….southern drawl like my buddy Jasper, I lose my shit.

Completely.

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><p><strong>HOWDY! I'm sending this while watching it snow...STILL! We have about 18 inches here. Since I love snow I think it's "kinda" pretty;) Love you all. Happy Saturday. xoxo V<strong>


	28. Chapter 28

**White Knights and Douchnozzles…**

"Wow." I laugh. "So I won't have to worry about what might happen when you deliver to the various frats here then." I deflate a little and she giggles.

"Were you hoping to be my white knight, Edward?"

I might smile. A little. Fuck, fine. My smile was as wide as the Grand Canyon, but I play that shit off coolly and shrug.

"Nah, just worried. They're a bunch of douchenozzles."

"Sounds like you speak from experience. Care to share with the class?" She fully facing me and we've been sitting in my now toasty car for about five minutes longer than we should have.

"Let's just say they understand the difference between a skirt and a kilt. Oh, and the benefits of wearing one versus the other."

Her eyes narrow and she shakes her head. "Oh no, that just won't do. I need details. I mean a house full of guys harassing another in a skirt is some pretty priceless stuff." The minute she leans forward and her arms push her boobs together and up just a little, I'm a gonner.

"Fine.

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><p><strong>I wonder how many of you thought he'd lose it and jump her in the car? LOL! Thanks for Dreamalittledream for being my delicious prereader! YOU ROCK! xoxo V<strong>


	29. Chapter 29

**Frat House Pranks…**

My hands twist and turn around my steering wheel to release my nervous tension. It's not like they tried to hold me down and pull the damn kilt up.

"I had a delivery to make to the Sig Eps on Rosemond. They were having a kegger for…well for no reason probably because they're all cocky ass jocks and like to drink. I got to the door expecting the jeers and comments about what kind of dudes wear skirts and I wasn't disappointed." It's at this part of the story that I smile.

There were women at this kegger.

Lots of women.

"So I'm standing there waiting for the dick with the money to stop slurring obscenities and pay me when three girls walk by and stop. The way they looked me up and down was a little degrading but it got the guys to shut the hell up. When all three girls started stuffing cash in my kilt I swear you could see the wheels turning in a couple of the frat boys heads." I shrug and put the car into drive and pull out slowly. "I think the final nail was hammered in when one of the chicks reached back and grabbed my ass before grabbing my pen and writing her name on my hand."

Bella's been quiet through this exchange so I chance a look in her direction.

She's scowling.

This doesn't bode well.

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><p><strong>Happy Monday, dearies! Hope it's going well. Love to our bornonhalloween for she is traveling today! Kisses dear!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	30. Chapter 30

**Troop of Smurfs…**

Biting her lip in a way that makes my boner even harder, she turns her head to look at me.

"So you're okay with random women touching your ass?"

"Uh, no? I mean, definitely not but it served a purpose, you know? The next time I delivered the assholes were throwing another party. A themed fucking party. Wanna guess what the theme was?"

Her scowl turns into a smile and she shakes her head.

"No, this has got to be good. I'll let you do the honors."

"Fucking Braveheart, Bella. They were all walking around in kilts and shirtless. Half of them looked like deranged Smurfs, all painted up with that blue body pain. One dude was so drunk he flashed me and I had to share Garrett's wisdom with them. Every dude in the area stripped off their shit and threw it in a pile." I can't help the shudder that starts at my shoulders and works it's way down my torso. That's a visual I hope to never have again.

"So there was like a mountain of jockey's in the middle of their floor? GROSS!" I love her laugh. Call me a woman but it's one of those sounds that make you warm all over while you smile like a damn loon.

* * *

><p><strong>So I'm not really happy with the title of today's chapter but I'm tired...and cranky...and maybe a little pms-y. I'd love to know what you all would have called it;) Hope your Tuesday treats you well and thanks for all of the reviews and pimping. It's so much fun to hear what you all think!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	31. Chapter 31

**Laughing in a Car With a Girl…**

I'm still smiling at her when the light we're at turns green. The asshat behind me isn't so happy that I'm flaking out at the wheel and his honk wakes me from my Bella induced stupor long enough to get me back on the road.

"So, are we still stopping by your place? I just sent a text Ali and she said we have about fifteen minutes before our next delivery is up."

My head…the one on my shoulders anyway, moves automatically and I sigh. "It would be a thirty minute round trip so I'll have to wait. And Ali? She'd have my ass if I called her that."

When I chance a glance over at her she's smirking. Her answering shrug is unapologetic.

"I've known her for a long time. She and Emmett used to date." I can see her out of the corner of my eye when she turns to face me." I hope your _eyes'll _be okay."

I roll said eyes as I pull into my spot at Braw Baffies. "I think, after the show I gave you earlier we can acknowledge that I wasn't talking about my eyes."

She lets out another laugh, this time followed by a very loud snort that makes me laugh with her. My eyes flash to hers when she stops laughing and my own rallies and gets louder.

She's covering her mouth and her eyes are wide. I assume her pink cheeks have something to do with her own brilliant display, until I see where her eyes are glued.

It's MY brilliant display that has her pink cheeked and wide eyed.

My dick twitches.

She gasps.

I sigh.

* * *

><p><strong>Aaaaaaaand...we've got lift off. *Clears throat.* Sorry, couldn't help myself. I hope you all enjoyed todays installment. I loved the different chapter names you all came up with. So much more creative than mine. And KK, I so wanna snuggle...I'll even read to you;)<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	32. Chapter 32

**The Cockness Monster…**

I try to push down the monster under my kilt but it just makes it worse. He assumes touching means play time and since he's receiving the majority of my blood flow I can't find the words to put up an argument. Not to mention you don't talk to your cock in front of the chick currently starring in your fantasies.

I look down, back up, and down again. "Uh, fuck. Sorry?"

Her lips start to curl up around her hand covering them and her eyes take on a half moon shape. One long, slender finger points to my dick as she lowers her hand from her mouth. "Is that for me?"

The moment she bites her lip I moan….or growl. I'm not sure which.

Blowing out the breath I'd been holding I shrug. "It's definitely because of you."

Smooth Cullen. Real. Fucking. Smooth.

* * *

><p><strong>Props to our very own Kitkat Cullen for the chapter title. I can accept none of the kudos for the greatness that is the Cockness Monster! LOL. Sorry it's a little later today. Hope your week is going smashingly! xoxo V<strong>


	33. Chapter 33

**Edward "No Game" Cullen….**

Both of my hands shoot from my lap to my face and I scrub the fucker loud enough to hear the scratch of my stubble on my hand. Did I really just tell her that her laugh made me hard?

Edward "No Game" Cullen. That's me.

The feel of cold fingers on the exposed skin of my thigh has me sucking in air like a fish out of water. My head snaps to her and her eyes, those delicious brown eyes, smile back at me.

"Hey, it's pretty hot that I do that do you with just a little flash of my leg." Her fingers squeeze gently….my cock twitches, AGAIN….I groan/growl/moan…she giggles.

Lather…Rinse…Repeat.

If she doesn't stop giggling I'm going to jizz all over my kilt without her ever even touching Mr. Happy. Now that would be embarrassing.

I notice her eyes are no longer on my face but rather looking over my shoulder toward the back door of the store and my head follows.

Alice.

Bitch brow.

Fuck times infinity.

* * *

><p><strong>I think we all agree that it sucks monkey balls when FF is fail. I'm sorry I didn't reply to reviews but if I tried now, while I'm trying to get kids to clean their rooms and preparing for a party tonight, I might lose my mind. I'm assuming you all know how little of it I still actually have (if you're reading this little ditty then you should;), so I'm giving myself a break and skipping the the last set of review replies. I LOVED THEM ALL! You all astound me with your witty, querky, hilarious commentary! It's one of the best parts of my day to read them! Okay, not that my AN is longer than the chapter, I'll close it:) OH! Buuuuuuut, if you're out there pimping this story or any of my others, please know I'm flattered. All I have is a simple thank you, though it doesn't seem like enough. YOU ROCK! **

** xoxo **

**LadyV**


	34. Chapter 34

**Hardcore Suckage…**

"I think we're being summoned."

Another giggle. She really needs to stop that.

Her hand leaves my thigh so that she can undo her seatbelt and she smiles at me again. "I'm going to go in and get the next delivery. It's a good test to see if I have at least that part down."

All I can do is nod and give her a pained smile. My balls are blue. It's painful.

She hops out of the car and runs over to Alice who gives me the "I'm watching you" fingers to the eyes before following Bella inside. I'd be scared but my mind is still on the way the back of Bella's kilt swished around her legs and blew up just enough for me to see a little bit of…ass.

Fuck me. She's commando too.

I'm screwed.

I have just enough time to either calm the fuck down using some deep breathing shit or jerk off. Turning to look in my back seat frantically for tissues I realize the wank session is on hold so deep breathing will have to do. I just can't close my eyes because all I'll see is that damn bit of firm ass.

My life sucks ass.

Hardcore.

* * *

><p><strong>And we're back on track! YAY! Sorry about the crazy weekend and missing day of update. I was at a friend's house for a Twilight movie marathon &amp; ended up just not ever going to sleep. I'm too old for those types of shenanigans. Loving the reviews! In the next few chapters there's likely to be a time jump but you'll hardly notice;)<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	35. Chapter 35

**For the Love of Flashbacks…**

The remainder of that night and the following month pass swiftly and pleasurably. I grow enough balls to ask Bella out after hours and she's as much fun then as she is at work. She's also a lightweight of epic proportions…

"_E'wardo! Dansh wish me?" She sways as she stands but it isn't because of the beat of the music playing._

"_B, you're drunk! I thought you said you could drink me under the table." _

_She shakes her head, making the swaying worse and nearly topples over but I catch her by the waist._

"_Nope. I shaid I wanted to drink WISH you under the table. Naked." She smirks crookedly and damn it if it's not the hottest fucking thing ever. I think I sigh. I blame it on the Lifetime marathon my mother forced me to watch a couple of weeks ago when I was sick._

"_Naked?" My brows raise into my hairline and I answer her fucking adorable smirk with one of my own and raise her an eyebrow wiggle._

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><p><strong>HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! I hope you're all enjoying some chocolate, sexy times, and LOVE! <strong>

__**xoxo**

**V**


	36. Chapter 36

**Gentleman, Schmentalman…**

_Instead of answering my question she plops down in my lap and adds her own extra challenge as she wiggles over my dick._

_I groan, a normal response to anything Bella does anymore and nuzzle her neck. _

_We've made out….heavily but not much more. I like her enough to know I don't want to fuck it up by being a handsy asshat. I think she appreciates it._

"_Yup. I want you to bring the Cocknesh Monshter out to play." _

_The Cock…WHAT?_

"_What the hell are you talking about, Bella?" _

_Her eyes look to our laps and back up before she points down to where her ass is currently still rubbing against Mr. Happy._

_Huh, maybe she doesn't appreciate the going slow shit…_

"_Him. You can't jusht par…para….fuck it. You can't take a hint, E'ward. I shaw him, I know what I can make him do…" Her eyes twinkle with mischief when she says that and she wiggles again, making said monster stand up and throb. "And I've been trying to get'chou to fuck me for weeksh. I'm a hot blooded girl. I need me some…"_

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><p><em><em>**For those of you in a chocolate induced coma...I hope the laughs bring you out of it. Enjoy your Humpdays, dears! **

**xoxo**

**V**


	37. Chapter 37

**Wiggling, Giggling, and Yoga Lesshons…**

_I can't let her finish that statement or I will throw her down on the bar table and take her in front of Garrett and everyone. That wouldn't go over well in the morning._

_No, instead I attach my lips to hers and we both moan. The only thing that forces me to cut the kiss short is her wiggling. _

"_What are you doing now?" I chuckle, because damn it, she's fucking adorable!_

_Her brows, furrowed in concentration, draw together tighter as she looks at her feet and then at the chair we're in. "I need more yoga lesshons." She giggles to the point of snorting after that and my dick gets harder._

_I've clearly got issues._

_I don't even know where to go with that. What the hell does yoga have to do with kissing me? I decide to ask her but by the time I work through it her head is on my shoulder and she's snoring softly in my ear. _

_Garrett and Emmett help me buckle her into my car._

"_Dude, take her home and put her in bed…FULLY FUCKING CLOTHED. If I hear that you've so much as taken off a shoe I'll beat your ass." Emmett delivers his entire threat with a mile wide smile and pat to the back. He's scary._

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><p><strong>Son of a NUTCRACKER! FF sucked today. I'll try to get to all old and new reviews. I hope that everyone's week is going well. LOVE YOU ALL!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	38. Chapter 38

**Monster Action…**

That drunken night was two weeks ago. Tonight I'm cooking for her at my apartment.

My hands shake a little as I uncork the wine I bought. I made my mom's pizza, because it's easy, good, and just greasy enough that she'll have to lick her fingers. I love my mother and her insistence that I learn how to cook at least a little.

I'm full of nervous energy. Bella's different from most girls I've dated. She's kind, hot, intelligent, hot, witty, hot, and….hot. Fucking hot.

She doesn't remember telling me that she wants to play with my "Cockness Monster", a name apparently given to my dick while talking to her best friend Angela, and I let it slide.

That sucked.

I'm kinda hoping she remembers it in some spontaneously recovered memory when I touch her boob or something.

My monster would like a little more action.

* * *

><p><strong>HAPPY FRIDAY! Its a shortish one today, sorry about that. BUT...I'm setting the scene *wink wink nudge nudge*, if you know what I mean? Hope everyone's week was a decent one. <strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	39. Chapter 39

**Brown-eyed Beauty…**

The tinny sound of my doorbell fills my apartment.

"Get your shit together, Cullen." My mumbled words have almost zero effect, of course.

Two deep breaths follow my failed attempt at a personal pep talk before I sit down the wine bottle I am uncorking. A couple more deep breaths and I stand at the door, sweaty palm meeting cool metal.

"Hey." My voice is thick and my lame reply garners a wide smile from my brown-eyed beauty.

"Hey." Bella leans forward and kisses me softly. "Can I, uh, come in?" Her eyes squint a little with repressed laughter and I smack my head with my palm as I open the door wide.

"Sorry. You kinda…never mind."

My nervous laugh cuts the tension and she covers her mouth as she does that adorable fucking giggly, snorty thing she does.

"Smells good in here."

"I'm making…fuck. I'm making pizza. I just realized how lame that is." My legs are on autopilot since the giggling has effectively drained the blood from my brain to my dick in record time. I really hope she's a giggler during sex.

While my mind is focused on considering the merits of her laughter while I'm pounding into her and my hands are pouring two glasses of wine I feel the warmth of her small hand on my shoulder.

"You're not lame. I'm sure it'll be good. Besides, it's fun to eat. "

As my head turns to look at her, she winks….and I smile.

Too fucking adorable.

* * *

><p><strong>Good morning, my dears! Sorry I was MIA yesterday. Two sick kids had me running ragged. Everyone's all good now...mostly. We're getting close to the end here. Probably another 9 or 10 chapters and then the promised full page lemon before a little epilogue. Thanks for all the support, funny words, and stories. You're the reason I still love this fandom.<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	40. Chapter 40

**Ready for Takeoff…**

"It should be ready in about 15 minutes. Did you, uh, wanna sit and…" I shrug because what I want to say is "sit and make out" but what I should say is "sit and talk". Talking is highly overrated when faced with the wonder that is Bella Swan in fucking tight jeans and a soft looking sweater. "…uh, talk?"

Her teeth nibble on the corner of her bottom lip, forcing me to hide a moan behind a cough.

I think I was too obvious and maybe overzealous in my cover up. Her eyes shoot to my growing bulge and then back to my eyes.

"You really want to talk?" She smirks.

I moan, again….not hiding it this time!

She smiles really fucking wide.

"No."

"Didn't think so." Her accompanying giggle and smile light the fuse that sets off a string of uncoordinated pulls, grope, and bangs. Sort of like a really shitty fireworks display.

It's her fault though. If she hadn't giggled again I would have made it to the living room before I attacked her. Waiting that long clearly wasn't an option.

* * *

><p><strong>Today's chapter is dedicated to Robsmyyummycabanaboy. I've no idea if she's even reading this, to be honest but today is her birthday and it seemed like a good idea. Let her know on the patch that you think she's awesome! Thanks Heather for prereading...you catch all the little stuff I miss and you make my ego swell to Cockness Monster proportions with all your sweet words!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	41. Chapter 41

**Explanations and Promises…**

We're a moaning, panting, half undressed tangle by the time the oven timer goes off. I pull away reluctantly but with a smile.

"We need to eat."

She's so cute when she whines. "Lousy flipping timing, Cullen." Her petite finger points at my chest. "We will be finishing this and starting even more after dinner. That's a promise, by the way. You and…" Her finger now lowers and points in the direction of my good buddy Mr. Happy and she circles it in the air for effect. Like she's drawing a bullseye on him. "…the Cockness Monster are going to rock my world. Got it?"

I'm taken back by her assertiveness. It's hot, and scary, and fuck….really hot!

Licking my lips I nod. "I….okay. Cockness Monster?"

"I know you know about it. I wasn't so drunk I don't remember." Her hips sway as she moves up against me again. "But thanks for not making fun of me and bringing it up at the store. You were so sweet about making sure Garrett and my own cousin didn't tease me. It's one of the things about you that makes me want to rip your clothes off and ride you for days."

Moan.

Twitch.

"Fuck."

"That's the general idea. I'm glad you're on board."

* * *

><p><strong>The general consensis seems to be that everyone loves Adorkableward. He really does have game...just not with Bella, it seems. This all stemmed from a conversation with my husband in which he told me that he was more nervous around me than most women he'd dated because he didn't want to "f" it up. I thought it would work nice here. And now you know one of my tricks to writing anything. Start with what you know...or what someone tells you;) Thanks for the reviews, dears. Your words make me all kinds of happy!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	42. Chapter 42

**Moan, Twitch, Mumble…**

My body repeats the moan, twitch, mumble of dirty expletive routine again on auto-pilot. She laughs…again and I take a deep breath. The smell of almost overdone cheese, meat, and bread hits my nose.

"Shit, the pizza."

With a lot more effort than you'd think it would take, I wrench myself from the Bella vortex I've happily been sucked into and pull the pizza out of the oven.

"FUCK!"

The searing pain of a burn has deflated Mr. Happy temporarily. The minute her hand touches mine he's back at full fucking attention.

Pun totally intended.

"Edward, how could you burn yourself when you were using a full oven mitt?" Her eyes twinkle with the need to laugh but she's too kind and sweet to actually do it.

I hand her the mitt and point to the end were there's a hole burnt into the fabric.

"Garrett."

She looks at me like I've grown two heads and I realize that my simple answer won't suffice.

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><p><strong>I LOVE YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! That's it. Just had to get that out. kthnxbye. <strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	43. Chapter 43

**He's Going Down…**

Without further prompting I explain.

"Garrett, Emmett, their buddy Marcus, Alice's husband Jasper, and about four of my friends all came over to play poker a couple weeks ago. It was…interesting." My uninjured hand goes to the back of my neck. "I think I told you about it."

She nods, grinning just slightly. I think I actually whined more than told her about the plans foisted on me by her big ass cousin and Garrett.

"Right, well there's a reason Alice'll let Garrett assemble the pizzas but not let him anywhere near the oven or open flame." I waggle the mitt again. "He left this sitting on a burner after he took the cheese dip off. It's a good thing Emmett knew about Garrett's issues or I wouldn't be hosting dinner here tonight."

After a lip bite, eye twinkle, and cheek twitch she lets loose a loud and dick-hardening laugh that makes me forget about my throbbing finger and laugh with her.

"I will NEVER let him live this down!" Gone are the sex kitten eyes, they've been replaced by her snorting laughter and tears of humor. "That asshat had me convinced you were gay when I started working there!"

My eyes go wide and then narrow quickly. That buttmunch was yanking both our chains for shits and giggles.

I shift my focus to the pizza, cutting pieces for both of us and plating them. The entire time my ears are engaged in listening to Bella's fuck hot laughter and my hands are busy putting dinner together, my mind is running through scheme after scheme to get Garrett back. It locks and clicks on one face and I smile deviously.

"I think I know how we can get him back."

* * *

><p><strong>So sorry for the update fail yesterday. I kept trying until about 10 pm my time but it never let me. And I was soooo excited when my dear BOH said it was up and working again. FF hated me, apparently. I'm back now and here's the answer to the hotly debated "Mitt Debacle". Hope you all have a delightful Friday. *MUAH*<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	44. Chapter 44

**Skeevy Winks….**

Bella's laughter dies down as she uses a napkin to wipe her eyes. She looks at me with a curious smile. "What do you have in mind."

With a crooked smile I go over my plan. My buddy Jake has a thing for Halloween and saves every damn costume he uses. He has an authentic police uniform with handcuffs from a couple of years ago that'll make Garrett shit his pants. It doesn't hurt that Jake's gay and almost as good at practical jokes as Alice.

"So we'll have him come to the shop and cuff him and the whole bit. Make up some bogus shit about him being spotted in that bank robbery last week. You think you can sweet talk Alice into going along with it?"

That slow, sexy smile I've come to love winds it's way across her face and she nods. "Ali can't resist a practical joke and I happen to know that she's been looking for a way to get back at Garrett for a while. She mentioned something about a fake finger in the pepperoni a few weeks ago."

My chuckle is accompanied by a rubbing of my hands and a nod.

"Good, now let's eat and then we can get to the good stuff." I wink and pray it doesn't look as skeevy as it does when my great uncle Brom does it.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello, my dears! Happy Saturday. It seems yesterdays post was a winner with many of you. Apparently "buttmunch" is a greatly underused term. Try working it into a conversation today. You won't regret it;) We're getting really close to the end now, lovelies. I will tell you that the "big lemon" will likely take a few days to write and because I'm shaking in my boots I haven't started it yet. I will, there just might be a down day between in and the final "drabble" chapter. There will be an epi too. As for the prank on Garrett...I think it will be an outtake. Garrett has some slashy goodness just bursting to be written;) Have a great day and thank you all for the sweet, funny, wonderful words in your reviews. *Whispers* I'm over 500 reviews now...it's a record for me!<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	45. Chapter 45

**Neener, Neener…**

Dinner is rushed and wine is guzzled to allow us to get "to the good stuff" faster but as we make our way to the couch we're both moaning and rubbing our stomachs.

"Let's shovel our food in at record speed so we can "get to the good stuff", Bella." Bella's imitation of me makes me laugh, which makes my stomach hurt more.

"Pretty girl, you have to stop unless you're into watching your date puke."

I love the nose wrinkle she does next.

"Come here and sit. I have a kick ass metabolism so I won't be hurting long and then I can give you a massage or something."

And cue blush. Fucking adorable.

"If I had to lay on my stomach right now it would be you that'd need to be into the puke thing, buddy." Her little pink tongue comes out in a show of "neener neener, you can't catch me", as she licks her bottom lip slowly.

Groan.

Twitch.

"Fuck."

The resulting chuckle is followed quickly by, "Not until I digest, big boy."

* * *

><p><strong>To start, let me apologize for the lack of updates this weekend. With spring coming my weekends are filling up with soccer (football), swimming, and piano lessons. I also had a killer migrain for 2 days but since I'm apparently SUPERWOMAN, I can handle it and everything else...pfffft! Anywho, ABAG suffered as a result. We're nearing the end so expect probably 2 more regular chapters THE LEMON and an epi. Love you and thank you for your support and wonderful words.<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	46. Chapter 46

**Pukefest 2012….**

I groan and laugh. "Think you're funny?"

She gives me that addictive giggle and nods her head before she falls sideways and face plants in my lap.

Her mouth is so damn close to my aching dick.

I wonder if she can hear him trying to claw his way through the zipper?

"Hey, are you gonna be okay?" The chuckle that follows my question is because it's either that or I start dry humping the back of her head when she groans and sends little shock waves through Mr. Happy and his two dangly friends.

"What did you put in that pizza, Edward?"

"The regular. Oh, and my mom's secret ingredient…anchovy paste."

Have you ever noticed how people move really fast when they're afraid they might puke in someone else's house? Normally I'm drunk when it happens so it seems more like slow motion but I'm stone cold…well, tipsy after the wine but not drunk.

She sits up so fast she almost cracks the back of her head on my chin, but because I'm NOT DRUNK my reflexes are fast enough to save us both the extra pain. Her footsteps pound down the hall to the bathroom where she proceeds to puke. A lot.

I don't move as fast as she does but I get to her in time to hold her hair back on the second round and rub her back. It's the least I can do.

I can't lie, that shit is gross but I'm pretty sure I'd actually clean up after this girl.

"Oh my God, I think I'm dying."

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, I bet you thought we'd be getting closer to the lovin' didn't you? Would I make anything easy for these two? Exactly. Now, you have to realize this is all build up and honestly the story in it's entirety is still way shorter than most of my os's. The lemon alone will likely be like 10 chapters together:D That should make you happy! Love to you all, hoping your week is going well. And an extra shout out to Michelle's hubs for writing his first fic...Snow Job. Go read it. It's HOT! (Myedwardseyesarebrow on FFn)**

**xoxo**

**V**


	47. Chapter 47

**My Mother's a Cockblocker…**

When she's finally able to get the gagging and heaving under control she pulls back and I see that she's got red spots on her arms and her cheeks.

And she's itchy.

"B, babe, do you have any allergies."

"I don't think so." Her voice is scratchy, forcing her to try to clear it. When that doesn't work I realize what's going on and pick her up.

"Shit. Bella, I think you're having a reaction to something. We need to get you to the ER."

I waste no time in putting her in the back seat and racing to the nearest hospital, which is thankfully only a couple of miles away.

Three hours later I'm tucking her into my bed. She had an allergic reaction to my mother's fucking secret ingredient. The woman's a cockblocker even when she's not around physically. Though, in her defense, who knew you could be allergic to some obscure ingredient they add to the little fish to make that damn paste? Not me, that's for sure.

I literally fall on the couch and groan.

So much for getting to the good stuff tonight.

* * *

><p><strong>Oh my, well there's always the next date...right?<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	48. Chapter 48

**Good Morning Sunshine…**

Bacon.

Syrup.

Coffee.

Bella.

My nose is pleasantly assaulted with all those smells as I wake. Everything pops when I stretch my achy back and neck so I hold off on sitting up. I keep my eyes closed and listen to Bella move through my kitchen. She sings along to Brighter than Sunshine by Aqualung and I have to admit that she sounds damn good. Of course all of this only makes my normal morning wood a million times worse, which makes me feel like an A-class perv. The woman had a severe allergic reaction last night.

I let another minute go by, getting Mr. Happy under control before I sit up and walk to the kitchen. What awaits me steals every last brain cell I have.

"Fuck…"

At the sound of my low exclamation she turns around to face me. Part of me is pissed because the view I had was supremely nice. Not that her face isn't.

"That's the idea, handsome."

The redness and large enflamed spots on her skin are gone and, though she has some broken capillaries around her eyes, she looks like she's good as new.

And she's naked.

Well, except for my mom's apron.

I might forgive her and her unintentional cock blocking for leaving the damn thing here after all.

* * *

><p><strong>Good morning, ladies and gents (just in case there are any...I think there's at least one;). This is the last drabble chapter and the BIG LEMON will be posted when I'm done writing it. I'm hoping by Saturday or Sunday but I might surprise you;) After that is an epi and then in the future I'll add outtakes to this thread. Thank you all for your support throughout this story. It's nice to be acknowledged but even nicer to know I'm making people laugh with my warped words.<strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


	49. Chapter 49

**This is only lightly beta'd by my wonderful prereader Dreamalittledream/Heather and myself. You can laugh at my dumb mistakes...I've got a thick skin. Uh...other than that...it's not your average lemon but it is 2,699 words:)**

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><p><strong>The Good Stuff…<strong>

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you're feeling better." I groan. I'm not sure I'm capable of much else at the moment.

"Much. As a matter of fact, I woke up this morning and was pretty pissed that we never got to the good stuff last night so I decided we'd make up for lost time and get to it this morning…before we eat. The bacon and coffee were just to wake you up. It can wait 'til later, yeah?"

My head bobs up and down in agreement though it's not done with any conscious effort.

She walks past me, her finger crooked in a "come hither" motion and I follow like one of the Pied Piper's rats. Her bare ass is mesmerizing. It's only marred by the hanging tie from the back of the apron, and that only makes the view in front of me that much naughtier. The tie swings back and forth, whisper light against the smooth skin of her ass. First one cheek lifts, then the other, the tie follows the movement. Back and forth and in between the opposite cheek bounces just a little. She's fit but still soft and fuck if I'm not harder than I've ever been.

Before I know what's happened we're in my room and she's standing in the open space, all sexy allurement with her hand on her cocked hip and a wicked smile on her face.

I'm compelled to strip myself naked because it doesn't seem chivalrous and shit that she's naked and I'm not. Well, she's partially covered by that frilly purple apron, but again, it's hot.

And then she's not, covered that is.

Her hands move with ninja-like precision to the bow at the sway of her back. It's like a twisted sort of strip tease and Mr. Happy keeps time, literally. The not so little dude has a mind of his own and is bouncing around like he's hopped up on uppers.

She takes extra long to pull the first tie out and away from her body so that I can see it. When she is finally done and the damn apron hangs from her neck keeping all the good parts from my eyes, I growl.

"What was that?" Her tinkling laughter does what it always does and now she can witness it. "Did the Cockness just….move?"

Her head is tilted to the side, eyes flitting from my dick to my eyes and back.

I shrug. Why deny it at this point. Her laughter turns me on.

"Yeah."

A slow, sexy smile stretches across her face. "You like it when I laugh." It's a statement, not a question. After all of Mr. Happy's antics when she so much as coughs it's no wonder she's so sure of herself. And just to prove her point, she giggles and watches the Monster move, which makes her giggle more, and he moves, and giggle, and….it's a vicious cycle that I'd normally be happy to indulge but right now I want to be balls deep in her.

I move toward her with a confidence born of knowing what I want in the bedroom. I'm no inexperienced asshat, even if I can still count the number of women I've been with on one hand. I pull up right in front of her and reach my hand out to cup her bare hip. The sensation of warm, soft skin sends an electrical current straight to my dick and he moves again, this time against her cloth covered belly.

"I've had about enough of this fucking apron. Take it off, baby."

Her grin turns into something far more dangerous. She sucks the corner of her bottom lip into her mouth and nibbles on it as she pulls the ties at her neck loose. I'm standing just far enough away that it drops between us with a whisper soft "swoosh" and we're left standing skin to skin.

"Fuuuuuck."

"You like to state the obvious, handsome."

Giggle.

Twitch.

Moan.

YANK!

Fuck, pulling her toward me seemed like a good idea.

We're both moaning now, but not in pleasure. My over zealous yank on her body sent her forehead into my nose and now we're both in pain. I, however, refuse to relinquish my hold because nothing, and I do mean that in the "Not even a fucking natural disaster" kind of way, will stop the forward progress we've made.

As slyly as I can I check to see if my nose is bleeding and release a sigh of relief to find my hand comes away clean.

"Sorry 'bout that. You okay?" My words are muffled by the kisses I'm giving her in between each sentence. I'm also slowly moving us closer to the bed before we hurt each other to the point of missing the good stuff AGAIN! I won't have it.

GOOD STUFF WILL BE HAD BY ALL THIS MORNING!

"I'm fine, Edward. Shut it and pick me up. I don't want to trip on the way to the fucking bed." To make herself explicitly clear she reaches down and grabs Mr. Happy to give him a tug. My knees buckle.

"Then you might want to wait and do that shit once we're on the bed."

Running my hands from her hips to her ass I bend and lift which puts her pussy right in line with my dick. If I were less of a gentleman I'd move just a little and sink myself into her right here, but this is our first time together and I won't fuck that up with a quickie against a wall.

No, I'll save that for round three later today. And maybe round five too.

I'm nothing if not hopeful.

My purposeful strides take us both to the bed. She clings to me like a baby monkey when I kneel on the edge, so I simply make my way to the middle and lay her down. When she still doesn't let go I lay myself over her and feel her relax.

"You afraid I'm gonna bolt if you let go?"

She. Fucking. Giggles.

Mr. Happy twitches in response and she giggles louder.

I moan.

I'm sensing a seriously fucked up pattern here.

Her little teeth nibble on my ear like it's the last piece of chocolate left on earth. "I've never been with a guy so turned on by my laugh."

"Bella, I'm gonna sound like a class A douche, but there isn't anything about you that turns me off." With great difficulty I pry my lips from hers and start kissing a wet path down her neck when a thought occurs to me. "I take that back. The puking wasn't a turn on."

Giggle.

Twitch.

Bite.

Moan.

Bella's moan is my fucking second favorite sound, and who knew she'd be so damn loud. It's my turn to chuckle.

I continue my southerly descent down her body, happily staying in a specific spot when I can tell she's really enjoying herself. By the time I make it to her left boob I'm salivating. Her nipple is taut and tastes just a little salty when I run my tongue around it. After a few teasing flicks of my tongue I pull her plump, soft, tit into my mouth and suck softly. I'm still enjoying my time on her left side when she does something no other girl has done to me. She pulls my fucking hair. HARD. I'm not into pain but this…this works.

"Fuck baby, do that again!"

There is no hesitation on her part before she tugs hard only this time it's with a purpose. "Other side. It's more sensitive."

That's the understatement of the year! The second my tongue touches her nipple she bucks into me hard enough to make my dick weep. Her hands, still gripping my hair, tug my face until it's surrounded by luscious boob. I couldn't fit any more in my mouth if I tried. Hell, even my nose is covered. I don't know how she's doing it because she's not huge but it's fucking awesome! The only problem is I can't really breathe like this. I suck, nip, and generally slobber on her tit until I NEED to draw in fresh oxygen before I pass the fuck out.

I move my head side to side, and she only moans louder.

I grunt, and she hisses and pushes her hips into my stomach.

I bite, and she tugs my face closer.

I beat on the damn bed with my palm like I'm trying to tap out of some fucking cage fight, and she FINALLY gets it. It's a good thing too because I was on the verge of seeing stars before I lost consciousness.

"Shit, Edward!"

Still sucking in air I laugh, though I sound like a lifelong smoker. "I'm fine. Now, where was I?"

Needless to say, I don't linger at the sensitive fucking boob. I like to breathe, thank you very much!

My southward movement finally has me at Mr. Happy's Mecca. I like that she's not bare but not all "Wookie bush" either. It's trimmed and neat and womanly.

Looking up at her, hoping that I'm conveying my pleasure and maybe just a little wickedness, I lick up the crease between her pussy lips and her thigh. Alternating sides I keep going until I'm finally right at the seam. Smirking to myself every time she moans I do the most evil of evils and simply blow on the wet skin, waiting just long enough to make her squirm before I take a long, slow lick from her entrance to her clit.

She growls.

I chuckle.

Life is fucking perfect.

"Fuck, Bella." There is no going back now. Pulling her lips apart with my thumbs I find her swollen nub and circle it several times before sucking on it with as much force as I can. Her reaction only drives me on and pushes me to enter her with two fingers. If my face wasn't so firmly planted in her soft, warm flesh she might have hurt me when she bucked her hips again. As it is, I'm sure to keep at least one airway free and clear.

"Yesssssssssss!"

My fingers curl and pump, curl and pump, tickling her G-spot, and my tongue dances around her clit in time to the beat of _Closer_ by NIN. That fucking song is stuck in my head on repeat. At least it isn't something embarrassing like _What's New Pussycat_ by Tom Jones. That shit is just wrong.

It doesn't take much more of my rhythmic finger fucking to get her off and when she falls off that ledge it's with a scream. I'm really hoping the neighbors don't call the cops.

One last lick and I'm moving to the side to wipe my face on the sheets before I crawl back over her body.

"I need…fuck, I need you. Now." The kiss I bend to give her is slow and sweet but marked with desperation. I know this. I don't give a shit. I AM desperate.

The only answer she gives is to wiggle her ass against the sheets and wrap her ankles around my calves, smiling the entire time. I'm more than happy to oblige and take little time in lining my weepy dick up to her pussy to slide home.

Epic fucking sigh.

"Harder, Edward. Please!"

Again, happy to oblige. My hips pull back and snap forward, moving her up the mattress and into my pillows. God, her noises drive me insane! I repeat my motions a few more times before I want to change shit up.

"Do you trust me?"

She blinks at me and then narrows her eyes. "So long as you know my ass is off limits. It's strictly exit only, dude."

I'm pretty sure I look like I just swallowed a damn water buffalo because that shit was…unexpected.

"Uh, yeah. So, that wasn't even on the radar really, but I gotcha." What's a white lie? Do I want to fuck her ass one day? Yeah. What guy doesn't want to try that shit? But that takes trust, which itself takes time to earn.

Her nod tells me to go ahead with my plans and that she trusts that I won't hurt her…intentionally anyway. Apparently she's forgiven me for making her puke and break out in hives. Pulling out I throw her legs over my shoulders and sit up on my knees. If I were a smooth fucker I wouldn't have to pull out but knowing us it would lead to a broken dick, or foot, or something equally unpleasant. Safety first.

I learned early on that she was bendy and I intend to use that to my advantage. The position I have in mind probably isn't romantic but it's going to feel fucking good for both of us.

After making sure she's okay, I line myself back up and push forward only to hear the loudest fucking fart ever. I stop cold.

"Did you just…fart?" I'm trying really hard to cage my inner twelve year old, who wants nothing more than to laugh.

Her face is so damn red. "No."

My brow arches on it's own and I choke a little on the chuckle stuck in my throat. "No?"

Her head moves back and forth in a mild thrashing motion. With her eyes clenched tightly closed she asks, "Do I really have to say it?"

"Well, since I know I didn't fart and you're saying you didn't fart then I'd say I need clarification."

"You're an asshole, anditwasaqueef."

"What was that?"

"I SAID I QUEEFED!"

My twelve-year-old inner pervert cackles.

My rational, outwardly mature, caring dude sighs and drops her legs. I move my body so that it covers hers and kiss her tenderly.

"Sorry for being an ass."

One of her eyes opens and I see a little quirk of one side of her lips. That quirk slowly turns into a full on grin and she kisses me back.

"You're forgiven, now fuck me till I pass out or I'm going to tell Garrett you have a giant man crush on him and that you secretly fantasize about showering with him at the gym. I'll use the whole "drop the soap" shit too."

This time I do laugh, and kiss her.

With a lot more care for her pleasure than mine this time, I enter her, a little surprised that Mr. Happy is still rock fucking solid. It's a snug, warm fit and I sigh again. Moving with slow, measured pumps I work us both up. Her words set my blood on fire and I increase the tempo until I'm rocking hard enough to make the headboard hit the wall.

"Right there….Fuck yes!...Harder….Harder…..FUCK ME HARDER!...Soooooo goooooooooood…"

Eventually her words become sounds strung together with grunts and moans, much like my own. When I feel the walls of her pussy start to flutter it nearly sends me over but I find the strength to hold out. Her wails of pleasure tell me all I need to know before I allow myself to tumble over into a spine tingling orgasm. I don't remember ever losing feeling in my feet before this but I have and I don't fucking care. It's heaven in a bed.

When we've both pumped and bumped out the last little bits of our orgasms I roll onto the bed beside her with a grunt.

"You…me….fucking tired, baby."

For the first time since we met her giggle does nothing to stir Mr. Happy. He's basking in the glow of a kick ass orgasm so I can't blame him.

"Agreed." Her head turns to look at me, all messed up hair and droopy eyes. "And now that we've done it, I don't plan on letting you rest much. That was the best sex of my life, even with all the embarrassment and accidents." Her smile would light up a fucking city.

My hand has a mind of it's own and moves to grab hers as I smile as wide as she is. "Not a fucking chance, Beautiful. Alice better hope she has locks on the supply closet door."

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><p><strong>I hope it worked for everyone. I'm not sure I've ever done a truly funny lemon before. It was fun and frustrating! LOL! I'll have the epi up in a few days as well. After that I'm sure I'll have some little extra's to add on occassion. <strong>

**xoxo**

**V**


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